GioGraphy

One of the usual lines of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgender activists in response to the demonization of same-sex relationships has been to claim that GLBT relationships are "just like straight ones". We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make love. The same challenges that straight relationships face, are faced by gay relationships too — jealousy, money problems, infidelity, etc.

WRONG!

Several key disadvantages happen in same-sex relationships, and I shall enumerate those present in male-male relationships (allow my lesbian counterparts — you’ll find them at www.coronforever.com talk about the female-female side of this issue). We do not have the same relationships as straight couples because:

(1) We stain sheets more. One squirt vs Two. Do the Math.

(2) Male-male relationships are more expensive. Double the nice clothes. Double the cologne. Double the expensive body&bath collection. Plus, count the expenses in making the couple’s living space designer-looking (which is a must!). Moreover, you double the male-appetite, and therefore double the food. And don’t even think about the expenses incurred when dining out.

(3) Male-male relationships are more complicated. Even in the most liberal straight relationships, some default arrangments remain UNLESS they are consciously deliberated on. I mean, cooking goes to the wifey, plumbing the hubby — for example. In gay-relationships, this is not the case.  Everything is a matter of skill. If you can cook better — you be the one to cook. If you are better with interior design, then you design the place. This can be so intense that the division of labor in say, hanging pictures on the wall, becomes a matter of (1) who is better at math and can measure the distance of two nails, and (2) who is better with his hands to do all the hammering. And this might not always be the same person. The roles straight couples assume by default, the gay couple deliberates on. And that’s not the tricky part yet. What about doing the laundry? Or throwing out the garbage? Certainly, that doesn’t require specific skills right? WRONG. That requires the skill of negotiation. In lesbian relationships, even who gets pregnant is subject not to who has the vagina, but who has the power of persuasion.

(4) Writing stories about same-sex relationships is a lot more tricky and may be downright confusing. With both partners getting the "he" pronoun, you run into the difficulty of confusing the reader. Example "He stormed out of the house and left him there. So he cried and wanted him back. But he was prideful and did not want to give in to him. In the end, he succeeded".

Lastly, same-sex relationships have one KEY advantage. Sex is always and everywhere better.

Why?

The popular — and mind you, FACTUAL — argument goes — because both of you are of the same sex, you would know how to please your partner. Simplistic, yes, but this is only if you are straight and haven’t experienced same-sex sex. If you don’t believe me, then refer to the age-old saying from the wisest of men which has guided same-sex intercourse for ages:

DO UNTO OTHERS WHAT YOU WOULD WANT OTHERS TO DO UNTO YOU.

Yummy.

Dark Water

Oh my god. What the fuck was that? The storyline has been done to death — dead mother-daughter (choose your combination) haunts its mirror image (another mother-daughter, or whatever  combination).

But even if you forgive the fact that the story isn’t new — there is ABSOLUTELY nothing scary about this movie. It is terrifying to see that it ever got made.

It deserves a toast! With sewage water!

Christmas with the Cranks

Sometimes, like everyone I guess, I become a victim of good packaging. The DVD of Christmas with the Cranks shouted good reviews — " A classic movie everyone should watch!" "Two thumbs up!"

Fuck you all! It was horrible! Scarier than Dark Water.

Movies are supposed to suspend your disbelief. This fails to do that. We can accept Keanu going back and forth between reality and cyber-reality in the Matrix, but somehow this movie fails to let us believe that neighbors invading you and threatening to put up your Frosty Snowman in your front lawn or else… is worth fretting over. This is downright fucked-up. It’s ridiculous. I don’t want to even laugh about it. 

It tries to redeem itself in the end with the sentimental-cancer-stricken-neighbor scene with Tim Allen. And although it is indeed heart-warming, the scene is too late (and contrived). You’ve wasted too much time to even care.

It’s movies like these that sometimes make you hate the world.

Mr & Mrs Smith

Who cannot love Angelina Jolie. So what if she has done the Tombraider-chick role too many times. Nothing beats the simultaneous pouting of lips and boobs. She fits the role too well. The movie is ala-Bonnie and Clyde, and it does it very well. You feel for Pitt and Jolie. I like the movie. It’s something you can just sit back, relax, and enjoy, but it isn’t brain-dead.

To review this movie correctly is to begin with reviewing the crowd.

I waited for this movie since I saw the astonishing preview while watching another movie. When it premiered here in LA, there were only a few theaters — think 2! — that played it. Which was a surprise because the previews and posters were all over the place making one think it would debut in many theaters. But later on (read: 3 days ago) I saw the movie playing in one of the smaller theaters nearby and realized that the movie eventually made its way to all the other theaters. (This introduction is a good example of "derailment" in terms of making a narrative. It has nothing to do with the review and is unnecessary).

When we entered the hall, I was happy to see gay men (and some women) come in droves, and in all shapes and sizes, proving once again that there is not ONE homosexuality, but MANY homosexualities. There were twinks and leather daddies, butchboys, femmes and trannys, model-looking and father-looking, etc. The rainbow symbol in the flesh.

Brokeback mountain, I found too long. There is a point in a movie where one feels that it is supposed to end, but it doesnt. That point should have been felt by Ang Lee, but I guess it escaped him. I don’t think anyone who sees this movie will think the length was "just right". It was too long. All the major points have already been expressed, and yet the story ran on nothing but cinematography. But then again, it was a rare movie about cowboys and cowboy-love. So though my head hurt a little, I didn’t give a fuck.

The movie’s message — celebrate love (in whatever form it may take, but more acutely perhaps if it take the form of the ever-difficult-becaused-demonized gay love) because you may lose it one day and regret not embracing it fully — is Old (2 soldiers, one out and one not, the "out" one dies — that’s Yossi and Jagger) . The cowboy plot is new though.  And it was nice to see Heath and Jake play the main lead.

The audience burst out laughing when Heath started ignoring his wife because of supposed "fishing trips". I didn’t think that was funny. It was terrible. Can you imagine the pain of realizing that the person who you built your world around really does not "love you" fundamentally because the object of his sexual/emotional desires is the opposite of you? What is so funny about being ignored and cheated on? Nothing. Gay or straight.  Of course, this never happens to Filipinas with gay husbands because our culture is so in fucking denial. A gay man who marries a woman is straight — that’s what Filipino culture believes.

The biggest foul-up of the movie is this: You cannot lubricate yourself in 0 degree-weather by spitting on your hand. And Jake didn’t even say Ouch??? MISTAKE!

So far I have criticized the movie to death. Did I like it? I LOVED IT.

Watch Brokeback Mountain.